How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
