Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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