I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
