my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize