Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
