Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
