Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
