My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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