i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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