those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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