Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
