Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
