I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We need a shit load of segways right now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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