She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
