Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
