Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
