her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
