My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
