This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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