im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sarcasm needs its own font
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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