I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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