It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
