can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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