What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
this is an emotional support booty call
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
