apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
