She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
