My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
