I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
