I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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