All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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