Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
