dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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