i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
