I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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