I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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