i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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