Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
