Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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