i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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