I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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