so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
