omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
