im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
