Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
