where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
