Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
