rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
