I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
