I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
