1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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