We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
