Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
