Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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