I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
