Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
