I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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