just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
