you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
