My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize