my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
