..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
